Guidance from Paul Austin, Older Adult Physiotherapist at IP Live in Care on How to Persuade Elderly Parents to Accept Care
As we watch our parents or elderly relatives age, it can be challenging to notice them struggling with daily tasks they once managed with ease. My name is Paul Austin, and as an older adult physiotherapist with over 15 years of experience helping families organise care for their loved ones, I understand how delicate this time can be. At IP Live in Care, we’re committed to providing compassionate support to families during these transitions. In this guidance I write about what I have seen work when families have an elderly relative, perhaps a mum or dad who just doesn’t want care and won’t accept that they need help in older age. ‘Ageing in Place’ is a term that describes how we can now choose to live in our own homes for much longer than ever before, but sometimes we need the help of our loving family to help us over come our objections to getting support that we really need. It’s not just pride, or denial, although those things can play their part, there can be more nuanced and complex reasons. Here I write about the top 20 tip on how to persuade elderly parents to accept care I have seen and used along with what strategies you can take to make sure the help that is needed is allowed to happen. First off though I highly recommend that you will need to set the scene to make the conditions optimal.
Noticing that a parent or elderly relative is finding it harder to cope at home can be challenging and emotional. Broaching the subject of accepting additional help is delicate but important for their safety and well-being.
Preparing for the Conversation
- Research Care Options: Before initiating the discussion, explore the various care possibilities available, such as how Live in care works and how it is better than a care home. Understanding these options will help you have an informed conversation.
- Involve Family and Friends: Sharing your concerns with other family members or close friends can provide additional support and perspectives.
Approaching the Topic Gently
- Choose the Right Moment: Find a comfortable, distraction-free environment to have a face-to-face conversation.
- Be Respectful and Empathetic: Treat your loved one with dignity, ensuring it’s a two-way dialogue where their feelings and opinions are heard.
- Express Your Concerns Clearly: Share specific observations kindly, focusing on their well-being.
Highlighting the Benefits of Care
- Maintaining Independence: Emphasise that accepting help can allow them to stay safely in their own home, preserving their independence.
- Safety and Peace of Mind: Discuss how having support can prevent accidents and provide immediate assistance if needed.
- Extra Support with Daily Tasks: Present the idea of care as an extra pair of hands to help with household chores or personal care.
- Positive Experiences of Others: Share stories of friends or acquaintances who have benefited from similar support.
- Companionship: Highlight that a carer can offer friendly interaction, which can enhance their daily life. For some people, it works to avoid the word carer and use another term instead. Try ‘Personal Assistant’ or PA for instance.
Following Up with Patience
- Be Prepared for Multiple Conversations: They may need time to consider the idea, and that’s okay. That’s why its good to get brochures. You can leave them in strategic places and trust us, they will get read!
- Address Their Concerns: Gently ask about any objections they might have to provide reassurance.
- Suggest a Trial Period: Propose trying care temporarily to see how they feel about it. Say its is only for a small time just to see if it’s a good idea that might come in handy later. Most people find that once they have had a Live-in Carer they don’t want to do without one again.
Empowering Their Involvement
- Include Them in Decisions: Involve your loved one in selecting carers and deciding on the type of assistance they receive. Its fine to show mum or dad some profiles and ask who they think looks the nicest. You are not necessarily asking for them to pick a carer but just who in theory looks the best so you can understand a bit more.
- Introduce Help Gradually: Start with small support measures, like help with meal preparation, before moving to more personal care. Quite often in a couple, one of the people may need more support to keep them safe, perhaps when walking around. This extra support will free up the other person to have some time for themselves and not be a carer but instead a partner. Remember, a really great tip is to suggest a trial period, its not a permanent arrangement but it is just to see how things might work, and how your parents might get along with a new idea. Most of the time, if you are right about your judgement, your mum or dad will actually like the extra support. I recommend that you communicate positively that it is best to be open in life to new ideas. We find that yr far the majority of people like having the carer once it is in place but the door needs to be opened for them first. Read on to see 20 expert tips on how to persuade elderly parents to accept care below..
Remember, giving them time to process and respecting their autonomy is key. This conversation is about supporting them in the best way possible and not about you taking charge or taking their choice away.
20 Expert Tips and strategies to Address Common Concerns and Objections to having Home Care
Your loved ones may fear that accepting help will diminish their autonomy and the choice that they have over the things that affect them. This concern is deeply rooted in our natural desire to maintain control over one’s life. Gently reassure them that in-home care is designed to support their independence, not prevent it. Explain that assistance with certain tasks can enable them to continue making their own decisions and enjoy their daily routines without unnecessary stress or exhaustion.You might say, “Having someone to help with the chores you find difficult means you can spend more time on activities you love. Emphasise that a carer’s role is to handle the challenging tasks, allowing them to focus on what brings them joy.
Suggesting a trial basis can be helpful: “Why don’t we try this for a month and see how you feel? If it doesn’t help, we can look at other options.” Often having a carer will result in more independence not less. Suddenly they might find they can go to the shops or go on outings with their carer and see old friends without having to wait for a ride from you!
It is sadly common that many couples have one stronger or fitter person that the other, with the stronger person becoming the main carer instead of just a wife or just a loving husband. Knowing that someone is there at home to look after a their partner, to help them if they fall or need the toilet, opens up new freedoms to go back to old hobbies or interests without the feeling of being on call or actually working hard a carer. This time for ourselves is so important for mental well-being and a rested partner comes back and is able to give more, to love more, without a whisper of resentment. The improvement to quality if life is profound and instead of having a fear of losing independence the exact opposite very often is true. Having support is there to free ourselves and give us more choices. Just because a carer is helping at home doesn’t mean that they are in charge. Your mother or father or all of you as a team are in charge of what the carers does and the tasks that they are asked to do. That is the real benefit of aging in place with home care. Ignoring this choice at the right time can result in a faster deterioration in an individuals mental and physical well being and cruel fate means they are more likely to find themselves living in a residential facility, like a care home, where their choice and independence is massively affected. Choosing help at home is a preventative measure to loosing ones independence, not the first step in decline but the first step in pushing back. Prevention is better than cure in every case.
They might feel uncomfortable with someone else in their personal space, which is a valid feeling, especially if they’ve lived alone for a long time. Acknowledge their need for privacy by saying, “I understand that your home is your sanctuary.” Discuss setting clear boundaries with the carer, such as private areas of the house or specific times when they prefer to be alone.Reassure them that professional carers are trained to respect personal space and will honour any house rules. Together, you can create a schedule that balances their need for privacy with the assistance they require. Starting with a short trial period can help them adjust comfortably and see that their privacy is respected.
Concerns about the cost and a desire to conserve resources are common. Your loved one might worry about depleting their savings or not having enough for future needs. Offer to explore financial options together, such as insurance coverage, government assistance programs, or adjusting the budget to make care more affordable.Highlight that investing in their well-being is invaluable and could potentially prevent more costly interventions later, like hospitalizations due to falls or health complications. You might say, “Let’s look at how we can make this work financially without compromising your future plans.” Suggesting a trial period allows them to experience the benefits without an immediate long-term commitment, easing financial anxieties.
They might not recognize that they need assistance, perhaps due to gradual changes or a desire to remain self-sufficient. Approach the topic with kindness, using specific examples where help could make life easier. For instance, “I noticed the stairs have become challenging lately; having someone around could make things safer.”Involving a trusted healthcare professional can provide an objective assessment of their needs. Emphasize your concern for their safety and happiness, expressing that accepting help is a sign of wisdom and strength, not weakness. Propose a short-term trial to gently introduce the idea, allowing them to experience the positive impact firsthand.
Resistance to altering their current lifestyle is understandable; change can be daunting at any age. Empathize with their feelings by saying, “I know that new situations can be overwhelming.” Suggest starting with part-time care or a trial period to ease into the new arrangement.Highlight how having assistance could enhance their daily life while keeping familiar routines. For example, “A carer can help with the tasks that tire you out, so you have more energy for your hobbies.” Assure them of your support throughout the transition, reinforcing that they are not alone in this process.
They may prefer family to provide care due to personal or cultural values. Respect their beliefs by acknowledging, “I understand that family support is important to you.” Discuss how a live-in carer can work alongside the family to provide the best support, rather than replacing family involvement.Consider finding a carer who shares their cultural background or speaks their language, which might make them feel more comfortable and understood. Propose a trial period to see how this arrangement aligns with their values, emphasizing that their traditions and preferences will be honored.
Past experiences might make them hesitant to accept care again. They may have felt unheard or disrespected previously. Acknowledge their past experiences by saying, “I’m sorry that your previous experience wasn’t positive.” Express genuine empathy and assure them that you’ll take extra care in selecting a compassionate and trustworthy carer.Involve them in the selection process and arrange meetings with potential carers to ensure they feel comfortable. Starting with a trial period can help rebuild trust gradually, giving them control over the situation and the option to make changes if necessary.
They may worry about how care will affect family relationships, fearing it might distance them from loved ones. Reassure them that a professional carer is there to support both them and the family. Explain that this can relieve some of the stress on family members, allowing everyone to enjoy more quality time together.Emphasize that the carer complements family efforts rather than replacing them. You might say, “This will give us more time to do the things we enjoy together.” Suggest a trial to demonstrate the positive impact, showing that relationships can actually strengthen with additional support.
Feelings of guilt about needing help are common; they might worry they’re imposing on others. Lovingly assure them that accepting help is not a burden but a way to ensure their comfort and safety. Explain that it brings you peace of mind knowing they have professional support, which also allows you to focus on your time together.Highlight that carers are dedicated professionals who find joy in assisting others. Share stories of carers who have made a significant difference in others’ lives. A trial period might help alleviate their concerns by demonstrating that their care is manageable and rewarding for everyone involved.
They may find it hard to trust a stranger with personal aspects of their life. Build trust by involving them in every step of the selection process. Encourage them to ask questions and express their preferences. Arrange meetings with potential carers so they can choose someone they feel comfortable with.Opt for carers from reputable agencies with thorough background checks and strong references. Being present during initial interactions can provide additional reassurance. Suggesting a trial period allows them to slowly build trust without feeling pressured.
Conditions like depression or anxiety might make them less willing to accept help, as they may feel overwhelmed or hopeless. Approach the conversation with sensitivity and compassion, saying, “I care about how you’re feeling, and I’m here to support you.”Encourage open dialogue about their feelings, and consider involving a mental health professional for additional support. Emphasize that a carer can provide not only physical assistance but also companionship, which might improve their mental well-being. Propose a trial period to gently introduce the idea without overwhelming them, ensuring they feel in control.
They might have misunderstandings about what having a live-in carer entails, fearing a loss of control over their life. Provide clear and reassuring information about live-in care. Share stories or testimonials from others who have had positive experiences.Emphasize that they will continue to make their own decisions and that the carer’s role is to assist, not to control. You might say, “Think of the carer as a helping hand, not someone who takes over.” Suggest a trial period to experience firsthand how the arrangement works, which can dispel misconceptions.
A preference to keep things as they are can be strong, even if it’s challenging. They may find comfort in familiar surroundings and routines. Highlight that live-in care allows them to stay in the comfort of their own home rather than considering alternatives like assisted living.Explain that the carer will help them maintain their current lifestyle and routines, not disrupt them. “With a carer, you can continue enjoying your home just as you always have,” you might say. A trial period can demonstrate how minimal the disruption is while actually enhancing their comfort and ability to remain at home.
They might feel embarrassed or ashamed about needing care due to perceived stigma, fearing judgment from others. Gently discuss their feelings, reassuring them that many people use care services and there’s no shame in it. Share examples of others who have benefited from having a carer, perhaps even people they know.Emphasize that accepting help is a proactive step toward maintaining their independence and quality of life. You might say, “It’s courageous to take steps that improve your well-being.” A trial period can help them adjust their perceptions gradually, seeing the positive impact firsthand.
They might prefer occasional help from family or community services instead of full-time care. Respect their preference by acknowledging, “I know you value the support from family and community.” Discuss the benefits of having consistent support, explaining how a live-in carer can provide reliable assistance and relieve the pressure on family members.Explain that the carer can complement the help from family and community, not replace it. Suggest a trial period to see how it enhances their current support network without fully committing upfront, allowing them to experience the added benefits.
Difficulty communicating due to language differences can be a significant obstacle, leading to frustration or misunderstandings. Make an effort to find a carer who speaks their native language and understands their cultural background. This can greatly enhance comfort and trust.Involving them in the interview process ensures they feel comfortable with the carer. You might say, “Let’s find someone who understands you well.” Propose a trial period to confirm that communication flows smoothly and meets their needs, emphasizing that their comfort is the priority.
Worries about contracts, employment laws, or managing another person’s living arrangements can be deterrents. Offer to handle the administrative details to alleviate their concerns. Explain the legal protections in place and consult with professionals to ensure everything is managed properly.Reassure them that reputable agencies handle these aspects routinely, so they don’t need to worry about the complexities. A trial period can simplify initial arrangements, allowing them to focus on the personal experience rather than the logistics.
They may be fearful due to stories about elder abuse, which is a serious concern. Acknowledge their fears by saying, “Your safety is my top priority, and I understand your concerns.” Emphasize that carers from accredited agencies undergo strict screening processes and background checks.Discuss setting up regular check-ins and staying involved in their care to ensure everything is going well. A trial period allows them to build confidence in the carer’s integrity without feeling locked into a long-term commitment.
They might want to conserve resources for other purposes, such as leaving an inheritance or fulfilling other financial goals. Have an open conversation about their financial priorities and how live-in care fits into the bigger picture.Highlight that investing in their health and happiness is invaluable and can actually benefit the entire family in the long run. Offer to review finances together or involve a financial advisor to find a balance that honors their wishes. Suggesting a trial period can help them assess the value before making a long-term decision.
Reluctance to share personal health details with someone outside the family is understandable. They may fear loss of confidentiality or feel uncomfortable discussing personal matters. Reassure them that professional carers are bound by confidentiality agreements and will handle their information with the utmost respect.Emphasize that sharing certain health details is essential for providing proper care, but they remain in control of what is shared. You might say, “You can decide what information you feel comfortable sharing.” A trial period can help them feel more comfortable with this aspect over time, building trust gradually.
